Thursday, January 06, 2011

Blue Mage's Resolutions and Their Results

Greetings to you, voyagers of the cyberlands! It is I again, Blue Mage, mascot and secret master mind of this very weblog. Emblem 180 has once again bowed to my wishes and is allowing me to create another intelligent article for your viewing pleasure. If one harks back to the beginning of the year 2010, one will recall a list of resolutions that I (the Blue Mage) vowed to complete before the year's end. If you wish to refresh your memory on this event, I encourage you to click this link to see the impressive spectacle for yourself. Now I am here at the beginnings of 2011 give my report on how, precisely, I achieved my inordinately overwhelming objectives. Please do enjoy, and attempt to keep your levels of raging jealousy towards me to a minimum. Emblem 180 must work hard at this task each and every day, and so can you.

#10: Learn to use two control sticks at once

This resolution, I decided halfway through a particularly grueling round of Halo: Reach's unrelentingly unfair Firefight Mode, was not stretching my potential to its fullest. I asked this question to myself: why should I merely "learn" how to use both control sticks when I can be alone on a hill of my own skillful making by mastering only one? While my foolish foes are fiddling about in a frenzy of twofold frustration, I can confidently move a single control stick to and fro in complete domination. Perhaps they can aim and turn and whatnot, but I-- ah, the Blue Mage alone-- can strafe very effectively.

#9: Buy an Xbox Live headset

I borrowed Emblem 180's but refused to give it back, and thus it counts.

#8: Travel through time/space in order to visit Dimentio

As it turns out, Dimentio is an extremely busy angular antagonist. And really now, I am not one to complain, but his secretary is in dire need of training. The impudent girl had the gargantuan gall to tell me repeatedly that I could not drop by without, as she so callously put it, "scheduling an appointment." Do I force viewers of this weblog to "schedule appointments" with me in order to correspond? No, I do not! A mere comment is all I take to respond with joy and pleasantries. Still, I do not hold Dimentio personally responsible for his incompetent underling, and I did manage to leave a flattering message on his voice-mail.

#7: Sue Nintendo

Nintendo had it coming with their flagrant blue mage stereotyping, and although my plot to malign Reggie Fils-Aime fell through, I did successfully hijack their pompous demonstration of The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. By sending high-frequency signals through the air using my magical powers, I essentially rendered their precious Motion-Plus remotes useless! The look of  inescapable embarrassment on Miyamoto-san's face was a delicious and revengeful desert served, at the very least, below room temperature.

#6: Publish "The Big Book of Blue Mage Quotes"

Good publishers are nigh impossible to come by these days, but I am looking deeply into self-publishing. The project is nearly complete, and thus counts. To prove that this book does indeed exist in some form or another, I shall present to you an excerpt of "The Big Book of Blue Mage Quotes."

The look of  inescapable embarrassment on Mr. Miyamoto's face was a delicious and revengeful desert served, at the very least, below room temperature.

#5: Reach the level cap in Final Fantasy XI

This goal was, naturally, superseded by the 2010 release of Final Fantasy XIV. I switched all my efforts and energy to the brand new massively multiplayer online role-playing game instead, and it is... it is everything I could have hoped for. It is perfect and is in no way flawed, broken, boring, or terrible. Just... just leave me be!

#4: Travel to Japan

I have discovered that airplane rates are not as inexpensive as I was led to believe. Also, taking my cape off to pass through security is a demeaning act I would never participate in, regardless of reasonable safety regulations. However, I did finish my splendid Sazh Katzroy costume, pictured below:

#3: Buy a Chu Chu

They do not, as it were, sell chu chus on eBay. This is an automatic disqualification and thus does not count against my record.

#2: Train my Chu Chu

How can one train a chu chu named Chuey that does not exist? Aha, I have you in a clever logic trap. You lose, and again this does not at all count against me.

#1: Discover a way to get the inane failure known as "Emblem 180" fired

To my endless chagrin, it has been revealed that Emblem 180 has no higher-ups to fire him or ex-business-partners/wives that care to see him dead. As disappointing as this turn of events is, I was able to (through stealthy tactics and incessant stalking) poison his lunch this very afternoon. Therefore, it will not be long before Emblem 180 is no more and my first and foremost resolution is complete. So it counts.

As you can see with perfect clarity, I (the Blue Mage) have defeated each and every goal on my previously concocted list. I briefly considered making another such compilation for this new year, but having finished this one, I can see no room for improvement. I would consider brilliant suggestions from viewers, if merely to appease the masses, but I sincerely doubt there is any meaningful ambition to aim for in the new decade. That is not to say my life is devoid of meaning; far from it. There are countless things for a blue mage such as myself to busy himself with, and I feel more alive than ever before! That is more than could be said, I think, for Emblem 180. And to this I chortle.


Nameless said...

I was wondering if you could do a review of Lugaru HD? I was wondering if I should pick it up because it looks pretty cool. I discovered your blog from the link in your signature on Guide2Games.

Emblem180 said...

Hey, thanks for the request! Sure thing, I'll get a review up for Lugaru HD whenever I get the chance.

And I'm glad you made your way over from Guide2Games! I hope you enjoy your stay here.