Saturday, December 26, 2009

Blue Mage's New Year's Resolutions

(Please note that, although this lying weblog post claims that is it December 26th, 2009, I assure you, that was when the draft was saved, and today most certainly is January 1st, 2010. Indeed.)

Greetings, Internet webpage viewers! It is I, Blue Mage, at the dawn of 2010-- or rather close to dawn, all time and space considered. Despite the evening hours of the day, it is still indeed January 1st, 2010, and I am fully committed in all my blue glory to adhere to my strict resolutions for this glorious new year. I at first was hesitant to put in writing a list of needless improvements (for, as you must know, despite my humble exterior, I am... well, I am rather near perfect when one considers my thankless job and dim-witted partner). However, upon further examination, I have decided that a blue mage with goals is a better blue mage. And so, I present to you my New Year's Resolutions. I have made the informed choice of picking ten such goals and arranging them in a list format, as I am very "in tune" with the Internet world, and I find that such an idea is extremely original.

#10: Learn to use two control sticks at once

It most certainly burns my figurative bridges when I attempt to play the oh-so-popular "first-person shooter" video games that are regularly released. My satisfaction would be no small matter if I were to utterly destroy the imbecilic online gamers that consistently torment me whilst I struggle uselessly with the controller. My last attempt gave me no such satisfaction; merely carpal tunnel syndrome.

#9: Buy an Xbox Live headset

Once I successfully master the art of dual-stickery, I shall immediately purchase a microphone and earpiece in order to fully mock and humiliate my pitiful opponents as an ill-bred tennis player ridicules his one-legged adversary.

#8: Travel through time/space in order to visit Dimentio

As the only slightly muddled commenter "Samuel" has suggested on my own Blue Mage Page, meeting Dimentio would be a distinct pleasure. I am unsure currently how I shall go about doing so, but mark my solemn words, I shall discover the way to finally shake Dimentio's hand before 2010 is over.

#7: Sue Nintendo

I have not forgotten about the appalling transgressions committed by Super Mario Galaxy, nor will I. If my way is not gotten, I shall rig Nintendo's next Electronic Entertainment Expo keynote address screen to display such biting text as, "Reggie Fils-Aime is not smart." They shall regret it for the rest of their unfortunate days.

#6: Publish "The Big Book of Blue Mage Quotes"

I am but a simple Blue Mage, yet my endless repertoire of shockingly clever sayings and idioms are far too valuable to be lost in the depths of time. Having this large, stately volume on one's coffee table would say, "Despite my questionable decorating tastes, I am not just anybody." It would say, "I know of Blue Mage; I am somebody."

#5: Reach the level cap in Final Fantasy XI

I spend much of my free time engaging in daring battles and stunning experience point expeditions in Final Fantasy XI, and I am determined for my "Blue Mage" character to reach the very highest level there is by the end of 2010. I do not know what that level is, but that only serves to make the goal all the more exciting. Once I am there, I will gently remind my fellow guildmates of their inferiority.

#4: Travel to Japan

I simply cannot wait until March 9th. I must play Final Fantasy XIII now. I need only acquire funds for such a worthy investment. That, and finish my splendid Sazh Katzroy costume.

#3: Buy a Chu Chu

I suppose one could make such a purchase on eBay?

#2: Train my Chu Chu

My first lesson for "Chuey" shall be undoubtedly to sing the Chocobo theme song. This worthy endeavor shall provide hours of educational fun for both pet and master.

#1: Discover a way to get the inane failure known as "Emblem 180" fired

I mean no offense to any persons, yet a Blue Mage can only take so much before action must be taken. Not only are Emblem 180's reviews (to put it tactfully) drivel, but he throws his loyalties in with the impertinent Super Mario Galaxy crowd. Furthermore, he also cheats-- yes, mind you, cheats-- in a great many of the video games we play. He claims that "Soulcalibur IV" has a, in his own words, "block button" when I can discover no such thing. And do not get me started on his assuredly hacked "Halo 3" abilities. Indeed, with no question about it, I have no choice but to plot his demise.

Those ten items, my loyal readers, shall all be checked off one by one before the dawn of 2011. This is an exciting year, is it not? Thank you for reading my list. I unquestioningly assume it was enlightening. This is Blue Mage of Blue Mage Reviews wishing you well in 2010.

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